Masters of Sex

by Robert Long Foreman


 

Linda Masters almost never went snooping in her husband鈥檚 things. She nearly always respected his privacy. 

She and Stan had been together eight years, married for five. They were lovers and best friends, and they knew each other better than anyone else in the world knew them. 

Still there were things Linda didn鈥檛 know about Stan. She鈥檇 never asked him about them, preferred to let some things be obscure to her. Every life and marriage should harbor some mystery. 

She didn鈥檛 know how many women Stan had slept with before they met. She didn鈥檛 know how she compared to them, or if any of them looked a little bit like her. She didn鈥檛 know if Stan had ever in his life had sex with another man.

Maybe he had, maybe he hadn鈥檛. It didn鈥檛 matter. 

She imagined Stan probably jacked off when she wasn鈥檛 around. 

She didn鈥檛 mind. She didn鈥檛 think about it. It was Stan鈥檚 body. His hand. His thing. It was his lotion, too, unless he used hers. Which was fine. It was none of her business.

She guessed Stan must watch porn when he masturbated. They were living in the twenty-first century. Who didn鈥檛 look at porn? She sure did. 

She didn鈥檛 mean to look into Stan鈥檚 most recent porn history. She opened his laptop because it was there on the coffee table and she needed to look something up. Her phone was charging in the kitchen, and Stan鈥檚 laptop was right there. 

As soon as she opened it, there it was: PornHulk.com.

She said, 鈥淐hrist.鈥 She sighed. 

She scrolled down. Because as long as this seal was broken, she might as well see what he had seen. 

The last video Stan had watched, the one he鈥檇 presumably finished with, whenever he鈥檇 last visited PornHulk, was of two men and one woman. One man sat on the couch holding the camera with his penis in the woman鈥檚 mouth, while other man thrust himself into the woman from behind. She looked more focused and determined than ecstatic or turned on. In her eyes Linda saw something other than joy. 

The woman looked bored. So did the guy behind her. It wasn鈥檛 sexy. 

The man holding the camera wasn鈥檛 bored. He kept breathing into the camera鈥檚 microphone and going 鈥淯h,鈥 鈥淵eah,鈥 鈥淥h,鈥 and 鈥淣gh.鈥

There was a comments section. Of course there was. The most recent comment, left earlier that morning, by someone who called himself StanMasters1975, read, 鈥淚 did this at sleepaway camp July of 鈥89 with Julie Yarborough and Jared Stack.鈥 

A few more sentences followed, in which the commenter explained who orgasmed (Stan and Jared), how much ejaculate they produced, and what it was like for the three of them later. They never spoke of it again, but sometimes the commenter and Jared traded glances and laughed. Julie never again looked the commenter in the eye. 

Okay. This was new.

The commenter was Stan. Linda鈥檚 Stan. He鈥檇 commented under the name StanMasters1975, and Masters was their last name. He was born in 1975. 

Linda had found evidence before, of Stan鈥檚 having watched porn videos. She鈥檇 never bothered to look at the comments sections of those films. 

Maybe he had been leaving comments like this for a long time. Maybe it was nothing new at all.

Linda pressed the Back button on Stan鈥檚 browser. She had to look for the button, because she wasn鈥檛 used to Stan鈥檚 fucked-up browser.

The video Stan had watched before he鈥檇 climaxed to the video of the two-thirds-bored threesome was a thirty-second closeup of fisting. It was a loud video with lots of wailing in it, the kind where you can鈥檛 tell if the woman in the film is shouting to mask her cries of pain or really enjoying herself. But you鈥檇 definitely put money on the first of those two things.

In his comment, Stan had written, 鈥淒id this in 2012 with Linda, my wife. It hurt her so I stopped. Will not try again.鈥

A couple of comments had been posted since Stan鈥檚 comment. 

One read, 鈥淭his porn is nice.鈥 

The other read, 鈥淢y man here has got fists like apples. Apples taste mmm-mmm good.鈥

Linda pressed Back again. She found another video. Stan had left a comment on it, too, saying he鈥檇 done what was in the video, and specifying when that was.

He鈥檇 left another comment on the video that came before that. And the one before that. 

Linda stopped pressing Back. She put her hand on her face.


Stan was biting an apple in the kitchen when Linda walked in, put his laptop on the table, and said, 鈥淚 need to ask you something.鈥

He spun around. He chewed apple and eyed her.

She didn鈥檛 usually do what she鈥檇 just done, announce that they had to have a conversation. They usually had the conversation without an announcement of intent to converse. 

鈥淒id you lick somebody鈥檚 asshole?鈥 Linda said.

鈥淲丑补迟?鈥 Stan said, his mouth full.

鈥淚n a bathtub? You didn鈥檛 lick a woman鈥檚 anus?鈥

鈥淣辞.鈥

鈥淵ou said you did online.鈥

He kept chewing.

鈥淵ou used your real name, Stan. And your birthdate.鈥

He took another bite.

鈥淪tan, did you lose your mind? Honey? What if your boss searches your name?鈥

鈥淚t won鈥檛 come up.鈥

鈥淚t might. Stan. You used your real name. All it would take is a Google search.鈥

鈥淣o one uses Google.鈥

鈥淪tan. Everyone uses Google. They use the word 鈥榞oogle鈥 as a verb.鈥

Stan took another bite.

鈥淵ou said you fisted me,鈥 Linda said. 鈥淵ou said it online.鈥

鈥淚 did fist you,鈥 Stan said. 鈥淚t鈥檚 the truth.鈥

鈥淚 know it鈥檚 the truth, Stan. That鈥檚 the problem.鈥

Funny, she thought. I thought he would deny it. Or pretend he didn鈥檛 know what I was talking about.

Is he dumb? she wondered. Did I marry a really dumb guy? And only now find out?

Stan took another bite. 

鈥淗oney,鈥 Linda said. 鈥淚 need you to put the apple down. How many comments have you left on PornHulk?鈥

He put the apple down. He shrugged.

鈥淟ike a dozen? A hundred?鈥

鈥渊别补丑.鈥

鈥淵eah what, Stan?鈥

鈥淚t鈥檚 a lot.鈥

鈥淥h Jesus.鈥

鈥淚鈥檓 sorry.鈥

Linda started to cry.

鈥淎re you okay?鈥 Stan asked.

鈥淣o, Stan. I am not okay. Were all the comments true? That you wrote?鈥
He looked like he didn鈥檛 know the right answer. He nodded, slowly.

鈥淩eally? You went to one of those鈥攑laces?鈥

鈥淲hat places?鈥

Linda brushed her hair back. 鈥淭he sauna-looking place. Where you pay an old woman, and inside it looks like a sauna but it鈥檚 not one? And instead it鈥檚 a bunch of glory holes? And one鈥檚 got a woman bent over behind it? Another one has a woman on her back? And they鈥檝e got print-outs of photos of their faces above the holes?鈥

Stan shrugged. 鈥渊别补丑.鈥

鈥溾榊eah,鈥 Stan? You did go? Where was it?鈥

鈥淚t was before we met. Way before. In Croatia.鈥

鈥淲hat were you doing in Croatia, Stan? How did you get there?鈥

鈥淚t was study abroad.鈥

鈥淵ou were studying?

鈥淣ot that day. This guy Brent, from Russia. We took turns with one hole that had a lady鈥檚 mouth behind it.鈥

鈥淪top.鈥 Linda pressed her palms against her eyes until she saw stars. 鈥淒id you have sex with a man?鈥 she said.

鈥淥h yeah. One time. I鈥檓 not gay, though.鈥

鈥淚 know you鈥檙e not gay.鈥

鈥淗e was pretty. Like a woman. He had these cheekbones.鈥

鈥淵ou said that in your comment.鈥

鈥凌颈驳丑迟.鈥

鈥淥h my god, Stan.鈥

鈥淚鈥檓 sorry.鈥

鈥淵ou鈥檙e sorry.鈥 She looked at him. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e sorry,鈥 she repeated.

鈥淚 really am.鈥

鈥淲hat are you sorry for, Stan?鈥

鈥淔or leaving those comments. I shouldn鈥檛 have done that. And I guess for the gang bang I went to? I felt really bad after that one. Did you see the comment?鈥

Linda closed her eyes and shook her head.

鈥淚t was weird,鈥 Stan said. 

She heard him bite into his apple again.

鈥淚 feel like Pandora,鈥 Linda said. 鈥淚 want to shut that box.鈥

鈥淵ou feel like Pandora? You?

鈥淵es, Stan. I want to go back to fifteen minutes ago. I want to not know about these things.鈥

鈥淩eally? What exactly do you not want to know?鈥

鈥淟ike that you got a blow job from a woman behind a wall with a hole in it.鈥

鈥淥kay. It wasn鈥檛 a very good blow job.鈥

鈥淭hat doesn鈥檛 matter. You didn鈥檛 know that woman. You never even saw her face.鈥

鈥淟颈苍诲补.鈥

鈥淲丑补迟?鈥

鈥淵ou didn鈥檛 open Pandora鈥檚 Box. I did.鈥

鈥淵ou did not!鈥

鈥淚 did! I opened it, like, a thousand percent. Man. I never wanted to talk about this.鈥 

鈥淭alk about what?鈥

He bit the apple one more time. 

鈥淪tan,鈥 Linda said, 鈥渋f you don鈥檛 stop eating that fucking apple鈥斺 

鈥淔ine!鈥 Stan cried. 鈥淚鈥檓 throwing it in the trash.鈥 

He threw it at the trash can and missed. 

鈥淚 opened your laptop four months ago,鈥 he said. 鈥淚 know. It鈥檚 your possession. It鈥檚 your business. I wasn鈥檛 snooping. I had to look something up about caramel.鈥

鈥淭he substance?鈥

鈥淵es, the substance. Do you think I look up individual caramels? Your browser was open already, to a porn site. And I found the comments you left on the porns.鈥

鈥淒on鈥檛 call them 鈥榯he porns,鈥 Stan.鈥

鈥淭hat鈥檚 what they are! Look.鈥 

Stan sat at the table and whirled the laptop around. 

The apple was still over there on the floor. 

He searched for 鈥淟indaMasters1974.鈥 

The site that came up wasn鈥檛 PornHulk. It was SexHulk. The two sites were awfully similar. 

The search results found that LindaMasters1974 had left dozens of comments on the SexHulk porns. Stan clicked one that read, 鈥淭ried this. Didn鈥檛 like it. May 1990.鈥 The video this comment was attached to was of a teenage-looking woman sitting between two old men in back of a moving minivan. She was wearing a bonnet and giving the old guys hand jobs. 

Linda鈥檚 face turned white when she saw it.

鈥淒id you really do that?鈥 Stan asked Linda. 鈥淲ith a bonnet on your head, in a van?鈥

鈥淲hy didn鈥檛 you tell me you found this?鈥 Linda asked.

鈥淚 don鈥檛 know. I thought about telling you.鈥

鈥淏ut you didn鈥檛.鈥

鈥淣o. I didn鈥檛 want to pick a fight with you. I thought maybe it was an art project.鈥

鈥淎n art project? Stan, I鈥檓 not an artist. When have I done art projects?鈥

He reached and grabbed the apple off the floor and took another bite. 鈥淎re you not allowed to grow, Linda?鈥 he said, chewing. 鈥淵ou can try new things. Marriage isn鈥檛 a prison, it鈥檚 a flower garden.鈥

鈥淵es, Stan. Yes. I gave the old guys hand jobs. Not those old guys.鈥

鈥淲ho, then?鈥

鈥淚 don鈥檛 know. They鈥檙e probably dead.鈥

鈥淗ow old were 迟丑别测?鈥

鈥淥ld. And I did the girl-on-girl stuff, too.鈥

鈥淎ll of it?鈥

Linda nodded. 

鈥淢y goodness. Did you have to go to the hospital?鈥

鈥淵es. It鈥檚 all true. I don鈥檛 know what to 蝉补测.鈥

鈥淭here鈥檚 nothing to 蝉补测.鈥

She pressed her palms against her eyes again.

鈥淚s this it, Stan? Honey? Is it over?鈥

鈥淲hy would it be over?鈥

鈥淵ou know everything I did, now, before I met you. I did a lot. I tried to keep it from you.鈥

鈥淵ou did a horrendous job of that.鈥

鈥淚 know.鈥

鈥淵ou pretty much told everyone what you did. Online.鈥

鈥淲hat do we do now?鈥

鈥淚 don鈥檛 know. I guess we go and do the things you say you did in these comments. We鈥檒l have to find people to do them with. I think it鈥檚 the only way.鈥


They didn鈥檛 do that. Not yet. They had a meeting, later, with their marriage counselor, Phyllis. 

They met with her every week, to discuss their marriage. They鈥檇 been going like that for six years, for marriage maintenance, to discuss with a neutral party things like the time when Linda told Stan she was faintly in love with another man. It took her thirty minutes to explain what she meant by 鈥渇aintly in love.鈥 She kept saying it was like a feather that fell through space and landed on a pillow full of feathers that were even softer than the one that was falling. Stan and Phyllis strained to comprehend what she was talking about.

At this latest session, they got Phyllis up to speed with the scale and scope of their current problem. They showed Phyllis the comments they鈥檇 left on PornHulk and SexHulk. To ensure she got a complete picture, the three of them spent ten minutes watching the video of the bonnet lady giving the two old guys hand jobs. The men throbbed and came and Phyllis resigned herself to skipping lunch. 

鈥淎ll right,鈥 she said. 鈥淭ell me if I鈥檓 getting this right. A year ago, Linda, you left comments on some videos, such as that one, saying you did the same things that are depicted in them. Like 鈥榞etting tag-teamed鈥欌攖hese are your words鈥斺榖y some underage fraternity initiates at a technical college near my high school.鈥欌

鈥淭hat鈥檚 right,鈥 Linda said. 

鈥淎nd,鈥 Phyllis went on, 鈥測ou wrote about鈥攜our words again鈥斺榞etting splooged on by, like, twenty guys with gloves on that looked like bear claws, so it would look like a gang bang of bears.鈥欌

鈥淭hat鈥檚 exactly right,鈥 Linda said. 鈥淚t was just like what鈥檚 in the video.鈥

Phyllis took a deep breath.

鈥淎nd you, Stan,鈥 she said, 鈥渟eeing these comments, which were left on the sites with identifying information, like practically everything but your social security number, decided to visit a site called鈥攚hat was it? PornHulk? And you left similar comments on films that depicted sex acts you participated in before you met Linda.鈥

鈥淭hat is correct,鈥 Stan said.

Phyllis nodded. She took a long drink from her water bottle. 

She wished it were full of vodka. 

She kept on drinking, for so long that Linda wondered if she was doing it to run the clock down and make the session feel shorter.

She was. 

Finally, she said, 鈥淚t seems to me like the two of you need to have a reckoning.鈥

鈥淵ou said that two years ago,鈥 Stan said. 鈥淎nd I still don鈥檛 know what it means.鈥

鈥淭he both of you,鈥 continued Phyllis, 鈥渉ave to have a long conversation about what it is you want from each other.鈥

Linda sat back with her arms folded. Stan sat forward, looking deflated.

鈥淚 don鈥檛 follow,鈥 Linda said. 

鈥淚鈥檝e been working with the two of you for six years.鈥

鈥沦辞?鈥

鈥淪o I know you never did any of the things you said you did in these porn comments. Neither one of you did these things.鈥

Linda smoothed her jeans and leaned forward. 

鈥淧hyllis,鈥 she said, 鈥淲e came to you because we need your help. I thought you would take us seriously. It鈥檚 the whole reason we鈥檙e here. I am, quite frankly, stunned.鈥

鈥淩ight. Do you remember why you first came to me?鈥

鈥淪ure,鈥 said Stan. 鈥淲e were going to replace our water heater and couldn鈥檛 decide whether to get one that heats slowly or quickly. I thought the slow heater looked good鈥斺

鈥淩ight, Stan. But it turned out there was no such thing as a slow-heating water heater. Right?鈥

鈥淩ight. Yes. I remember, now.鈥

鈥淏ut that鈥檚 not all,鈥 Phyllis said. 鈥淭hink back. After we resolved the water heater situation, Linda said she had a different problem. Do you remember?鈥

鈥淚 don鈥檛 have any idea what you鈥檙e talking about,鈥 Stan said.

鈥淩eally? You don鈥檛 remember how you said how afraid you were of doggy style?鈥

Stan swallowed. Linda looked at the floor.

鈥淪tan,鈥 Phyllis said. 鈥淟inda. I鈥檓 not trying to make you feel bad. That鈥檚 not my intention. It鈥檚 not my role, here. I would be doing a terrible job if all I did was bring you sadness. I鈥檓 only trying to jog your memory. When you first came to see me, Linda had been researching doggy style. She wanted to try it. You, Stan, were reluctant.鈥

鈥淚 was a little scared, myself,鈥 Linda said.

鈥淭hat鈥檚 right, Linda.鈥

Stan said, 鈥淚t鈥檚 all coming back. I remember.鈥

鈥淲hat do you remember?鈥

鈥淚 didn鈥檛 want to stop doing it like missionaries,鈥 Stan said. 鈥淏ecause dogs know how to have fun, right? But missionaries know how to change people鈥檚 minds.鈥

鈥淎nd that in itself is arguable, Stan. But here is what I鈥檓 thinking. Here鈥檚 why I鈥檓 not taking you quite as seriously with these porn comments as you want me to. Both of you waited until you were, what, forty-two? To try doggy style?鈥

鈥淔orty-three,鈥 Linda said. 

鈥淩ight. And I鈥檓 supposed to believe that one of you fisted a teenager in a sauna? Like in a porn? I鈥檓 supposed to think not one but both of you were once the only representative of your own gender at an orgy?鈥

鈥淵es,鈥 Linda said.

鈥淚 don鈥檛,鈥 said Phyllis. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 believe it. Linda, we spent half a year on your fear of what Stan鈥檚 semen would do to your face if it got on your face.鈥

鈥淚鈥檓 still scared of that.鈥

鈥淎nd that鈥檚 completely understandable. Semen can be gross. It shouldn鈥檛 be on your face if you don鈥檛 want it there. But my point is, Linda, if you ever got gangbanged like you say you did in these comments, someone would have ejaculated on your face. And you would have probably gotten on your hands and knees.鈥

鈥淗ave you been in a gangbang, Phyllis?鈥 asked Stan.

鈥淎bsolutely not. If I don鈥檛 feel like I鈥檓 in control, I don鈥檛 feel safe, and there aren鈥檛 half a dozen guys in the world I鈥檇 want to be with on the same day. It鈥檚 too many guys.鈥

鈥淒ifferent strokes,鈥 muttered Stan.

鈥淚ndeed,鈥 said Phyllis. 鈥淎nd don鈥檛 take this the wrong way, Stan, but there is no way you鈥檝e had sex with more than one woman at a time. It has not happened.鈥

鈥淚t wasn鈥檛 all at once,鈥 Stan said. He held up his hand. 鈥淚 was bangin鈥 the brass,鈥 he said. 鈥淵ou never know what will happen when you鈥檙e bangin鈥 the brass.鈥

鈥淣o one says that. No one. It doesn鈥檛 mean anything, and you know it. Linda, the same goes for you. None of these comments are true. Am I correct?鈥

Linda nodded slowly.

鈥淵ou are two of the least sexual grownups I鈥檝e ever met in my life, you guys. I鈥檝e told you more than once that picturing the two of you having sex is like imagining two Playskool dolls fucking. Your personalities make it impossible.鈥

鈥淚 don鈥檛 think you鈥檙e supposed to say that to us,鈥 Linda said. 

鈥淭his does seem,鈥 Stan said, 鈥渉ighly unorthodox.鈥

鈥淣ever mind that. I鈥檓 trying to help you find your way to happiness. Sometimes I have to speak plainly and give you the harsh truth.

鈥淣ow. Guys. Our time is almost up. What I want you two to do is go home, forget about these porns, and have a long talk with one another about why you have to engage in this weird Spy vs. Spy behavior on porn sites.鈥

鈥淲丑补迟?鈥 said Linda.

鈥淟eaving comments on the porns. Leaving them where your partner will see them. It鈥檚 ridiculous.鈥

鈥淚t鈥檚 not like Spy vs. Spy, though,鈥 Stan said.

鈥淚t is,鈥 Phyllis said. 鈥淏ut we鈥檙e not getting into it. There鈥檚 no time. I want you to ask yourselves and each other hard questions. Like, 鈥榃hat do I get out of this?鈥 And, 鈥榃hat do I want my partner to get out of this? And how does this help them?鈥欌

鈥淥kay,鈥 Stan said.

鈥淏ecause seriously, Stan.鈥

鈥淲e know, Phyllis,鈥 said Linda.

鈥淒o you? Because this has been going on for six years.鈥

鈥淲e get it!鈥 Linda cried and stormed out. 


By the time they got to the car, Stan and Linda鈥檚 focus had shifted to something else. All they could think or talk about was what a bitch that shithead Phyllis was, and where she got off talking to her patients that way.

鈥淚 will want to keep seeing her, though,鈥 said Linda.

鈥淥f course!鈥 Stan said. 鈥淲e鈥檙e six years in. We can鈥檛 switch to someone else all of a sudden.鈥

They went home and never again mentioned the comments on PornHulk and other Hulks. They didn鈥檛 dispute the claim Phyllis had made some weeks prior, about how they did convoluted things in order to keep their marriage interesting and hurt each other in the process in ways that were totally unnecessary. 

They both thought about that, but they both ignored those thoughts, just as they鈥檇 ignored Phyllis when she鈥檇 first said it. 

鈥淚t鈥檚 always the same bullshit with her,鈥 said Linda. 鈥淚t鈥檚 always exactly the same.鈥 She shook her head. 鈥淚 hate that bitch. Next week, I鈥檓 going to tell her.鈥 She started the car. 鈥淚鈥檓 going to say it to her stupid, ugly, lying face.鈥


About the Author

Robert Long Foreman鈥檚 most recent books are I Am Here to Make Friends and Weird Pig. He lives in Kansas City and online at .